


Coldness

by EmotionsofInk



Category: League of Legends RPF
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Feelings, Gen, Self Harm, Trade Rumors got me SAD, self hate, this is an ambiguous angsty mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:53:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27190681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmotionsofInk/pseuds/EmotionsofInk
Summary: Once again – you find yourself in the situation of someone leaving – and it’s your fault.
Kudos: 10





	Coldness

**Author's Note:**

> So... LCS pre-season huh? T_T okay so I know the BIG news is Soren's confirmed retirement of playing, but this is focused on the rumors of the changes of the TL roster. I probably will write something about the TSM news, but for now - have this angsty mess of FEELS.
> 
> Sorry for any errors, I literally wrote this in an about 30mins to get out of my head XD  
> Anything in italics is inner thoughts/memories

_No one is ever going to like you, so why even bother, why even put yourself out there like that._

He shivered, his bare skin cold against the bathtub as he slumped down on to the floor of his bathroom, his pants rolled up to his knees – multiple bottles of alcohol sitting next to him as he pulled his knees up to his chest, leaning his head on them with a deep sigh. 

_Once again – you find yourself in the situation of someone leaving – and it’s your fault._

It shouldn’t surprise him really, he should be used to this by now – people left, or he left – there was no constant, there was no friendship or bonds or anything that everyone wanted to think and wanted to see. There was none of that – he wasn’t here to make friends, he wasn’t here to be liked – he was here to run, he was here to be alone and let the world whisk him away.

_I’m tired of trying – I’m so damn tired of being the only one putting effort into this friendship._

Kindness was not something he knew about; it was not something he had ever had before. It was foreign and different and it terrified him, all he wanted to do was run from it – was run from anyone showing it. It wasn’t right, it wasn’t mean to be like this – there was no one that could make him believe he was worthy of such things. Everyone who cared left, everyone who was nice disappeared from his life at some point – there was no point in thinking it could be a permanent thing.

_I didn’t think anyone could be so cold – but I guess that’s where we are at right now… you don’t even care, do you?_

_I didn’t come here to care about people._

The light above him flickered slightly, the dimness of the bulb telling him that he needed to change it soon. He ran a hand up and down his legs, his fingers trailing along every scar, every cut mapped out with perfect precision. The pain he wanted, the pain he needed, the pain he had been told that he deserved for even daring to exist.

_You don’t deserve it, people’s love – people to care about you… I wish I had just let you go when I had the chance. You’ve been nothing but a burden on me, nothing good has come from you._

His phone lit up in the darkness, two messages coming through in quick session. 

“I’m sorry we never really managed to click.”

“I had hoped we could have been friends.”

He laughed, and it felt hollow, echoing around the cold space, bouncing off the marble and glass that surrounded him. He laughed, as he downed the drink beside him, the alcohol stinging the back of his throat. Out of all the people he didn’t deserve to be friends with, he was probably near the top of the list, he was too nice – too caring – too forgiving of all the times that he had crushed him.

_All you do is hurt people – no one could truly be happy with you around._

The phone buzzed again, the light striking his face in the gloomy room.

“I wish you all the best for next year.”

He threw the phone across the room without hesitation, yelling as he did so, it smashed into the mirror, breaking both the phone and chipping off shards of glass that fell to the floor, the almost harmonic sound of it falling made him want to scream. Shuffling forward, he picked up one of the glass shards, gripping it tightly in his hands until it cut, the blood dripping out from his closed hand.

_Why don’t you leave for a change – why don’t you ruin your own career instead of someone who deserves the shot that you’re getting handed for no reason._

It was post-season, he could start being a little lax with where he inflicted the pain. Opening up his hand, tilting his head as he pulled the glass shard out of his skin, the blood spiderwebbing down his arm, as he threw the glass piece aside and shuffled back to his spot. Pouring another full glass that he held out in front of him – watching the blood stain the glass.

_I hate you! I hate you, why do they refuse to see how horrible you are, you’ve ruined everything!_

And the room got colder, his body grew colder, and his heart froze, much like it had many, many times in the past. Closed to anything, the only thing he wanted to feel was the pain, the only thing he deserved to feel was the coldness and the darkness.

His life grew colder, as Nicolaj downed another full glass – he barley even registered the taste.

There wasn’t any point - there never was – because they all left in the end.


End file.
